Babies: not that special

I was driving to some menial errand the other day, unrestricted by any sort of deadline or pressing task. So, of course, I get aggressively cut off (and nearly trade paint with) a merging Accord that felt it had yielded for far longer than it should have. Needless to say, it got my Irish up; but, such are the slings and arrows and it’s a minor infraction in the grand scheme. That would’ve been the end of the story, but then I saw the sign…
baby on board

Annoyance turned into self-righteous fury and here I am.

I don’t hate children. I don’t hate parents. I try not to hate anyone. We’re all pretty much the same kind of people, dealing with the same kind of errands, driving the same roads. They could’ve had a great reason to rush ahead of me and risk that paint swap; or they could’ve just been impatient. It doesn’t matter. It’s all about the sign.

The difference here is sympathy vs. empathy. These signs are meant to make a plea directly at your emotions. Force you to ask yourself, “Why am I getting mad?” or “Why am I cutting THEM off?” After all, THERE IS A BABY IN THAT CAR!

Whereas I would ask: Why did you cut them off to begin with?

We’re all people; we all deserve the same respect that is due to the strong and meekest of our species. You should treat that Accord that cuts you off with the same reserved rationale as the Semi-truck that waves you ahead. Empathy should be THE rule of the road, and the no. 1 rule of how people should live their moral lives.

But, to ask for an ethical free pass just cause you found love in the porta-John at the Eden Jamboree and squatted out a rat-faced clone of yourself? Not happening. Be an empathetic person (as you want people to be to you) and drive reservedly, taking into consideration that other people should do the same. Don’t use your child as a moral meat-shield to hide your shitty character flaws behind.

Also, there was an empty pack of Winstons on the Accord’s rear deck.


Why the IRS did nothing wrong

If I remember correctly, and it HAS been awhile since I was in first grade, but isn’t 75 out of 300 only 25%? I don’t quite think that is what it means to single someone out. In fact, doesn’t it mean the exact opposite? There are 225 of applications that were selected because of reasons other than having “tea party” or “constitutional” in their name. That hardly sounds like singled out. So, how could there have been any possible political motivation behind these actions?

501(c) status has been a major controversy in the past decade. Seriously, how is THAT not the controversy? Political action groups trying to use loopholes in the tax code to circumvent campaign funding laws – something that SHOULD be taken extremely seriously. Since when did the IRS looking into tax fraud become a scandal? Seriously America… I expected more of you. But yet again, here I sit disappointed.


America: DO YOU READ? Volkswagen disagrees.

Americans are used to an inflated sense of entitlement due to some leftover dreams from an era that cared about succeeding. We’re used to screaming at the top of our lungs until someone fixes our problem that we made for ourselves because America. We’re used to frying butter and calling it a meal. Get used to it.

Fortunately, one company has taken our stupidity into their own hands. The Volkswagen group has recalled more than 250,000 late model diesel vehicles due to the fact that us Americans hate reading or knowing about anything that we own. Please note that these special idiot prevention devices are only for America and use that information as you please. As per our culture, we like appliances that take care of our problems for us. For perspective taken from my late night infomercial scientific research, Americans are so lazy that we have a demand for litter boxes that clean our cat’s shit for us.

Here’s a problem: you’ve decided that reading is a chore. I’m not talking Bukowski or War and Peace here. I’m talking fragments of sentences. Add to this problem: you’ve chosen to purchase a car that uses diesel fuel because “that damn President won’t fix these gas prices!” Issue: YOU ARE TOO LAZY, DUMB OR IGNORANT TO READ. You drive your sweet new ride down to the gas station, slap a plastic card in that pump that has a balance larger than your annual salary carried on it, and fill ‘er up with the good ol’ 87 octane because THIS IS AMERICA AND THIS KINDA GAS IS CHEAPER!

Fast forward two hours: you’re on the side of the road screaming at your car dealer that “THE THING JUST DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY AND THIS IS YOUR FAULT.”

Fast forward three days: you’re at home screaming at Volkswagen Customer Care to the effect of “YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS BECAUSE IT ISN’T MY FAULT THAT IT STOPPED WORKING.”

To summarize: you are why I hate you and most likely the rest of your family because they made you.


Dear Vegetarians: You are killing us all

Stop being so selfish vegetarians. Think of your fellow planet-mates – the plants and animals in the world. If you keep on this course, they will all be dead. It will be your fault. Ever hear of greenhouse gases? Of course you have – you love people like Al Gore. What about methane? Hear about that one? Did you hear about how methane is a more potent greenhouse gas than CO2? Did you know that 51% of greenhouse gas emissions are methane? Do you know where 18% of that comes from? Livestock flatulence. What? Flatulence? Seriously? YES. The dinosaurs farted themselves into oblivion. Cow farts will kill us all.

You might be thinking that by not eating meat, you are helping to lower the amount of livestock. Supply and demand right? WRONG. If everyone became vegetarian overnight, cows would not disappear. Do you suggest that we kill the cows? You’re sick. To suggest that we should kill innocent animals and not use their meat is wrong. Animal Hater.Do you want to kill animals? No, the only reasonable thing to do is to eat MORE meat. Stop flatulence. Because, dead cows can’t fart.


D-Bags in Buffalo

So I was in Buffalo, NY for business recently, and let me tell you, this place is d-bag central.

One of the clients I was meeting with decided to drag me to an awful bar filled with guys who looked like they desperately wanted to be in fraternities in college. You know the type: Popped collars and backwards baseball hats, arguing about who has the best pizza in Buffalo, fantasizing about their opinions mattering to the owners of major league sports franchises. Yeah, those kinda d-bags. We’re not even talking about the contemporary, Jersey Shore inspired spray-on tan d-bags. No, these are Buffalo d-bags.

Remember this classic meme?:

Yeah, this city is FULL of dudes like that…in 2013.

A couple gems I overhead this weekend:

“Yo bra, I just put 20-inch spinner rims on my Cavalier baby! Girls gone wild? You know it!”

“Me and my girlfriend are celebrating our third anniversary, so let’s all do a shot of Black Velvet! I got her two super mighty tacos earlier. TWO.”

“I’m gonna bench press your mom dude.”

Stay away, stay far away.


shut up about greek yogurt.

if i have to wait behind another unshaven scarf-wearing hipster with a cart full of this crap one more time you’re going to see mushroom clouds.  seriously, why the hell does everyone have such a hard-on for this stuff?  is it just clever marketing?  that’s my guess.  hell, john stamos could sell BLTs in jerusalem, so it’s no surprise he’s hauling in bags of cash hawking yogurt. uncle jesse has to make bank somehow, and writing jingles only ever worked for one guy.

greece has just flat out been a bad time for the last couple thousand years.  the last greek anyone cared about – besides the aforementioned mullet avatar – was probably aristotle, and even he thought it was ok for a man to be in love with a little boy.  last time i checked, their economy – hell, their country in general – is circling the drain.  but hey, let’s stop everything and eat their yogurt.  puppets.

really though, for the love of whichever deity has to listen to your prayers, please, eat something else.  i promise people will still be impressed with you and think you’re enlightened if you eat a banana or a burrito.  you can still discuss your awful band and talk about nanobreweries or your loft apartment. 

thank you for cooperating.


Cat Owners: Generally Awful People

Everyone seems to loves cats. They’re cute, cuddly, and shit in a box that you keep in your house. Any site with a cat theme, no mater how inane and idiotic, will have throngs of drooling fans visiting from around the internet. Cats are funny and adorable. I have nothing against cats. But you know who I can’t stand? People who love cats. And by that, I don’t mean the people who find cat videos online generally amusing. I mean people who own cats.


For starters, 95% of cat owners are the most disgusting, unhygienic people on the planet. They often wait until the litter box is overflowing before they actually change it. If you’re going to claim to love something, and be a friend to animals, why don’t you start by actually taking care of the ones you own?

Secondly, cats are not your children, and they don’t understand English. When you talk to your pets and tell them you are their mommy or daddy, it might be time to bust out the straight-jacket on and thorazine.

I could go on all day, but I’m pressed for time. I think it’s high time we started a program to neuter and spay cat lovers.