America: DO YOU READ? Volkswagen disagrees.

Americans are used to an inflated sense of entitlement due to some leftover dreams from an era that cared about succeeding. We’re used to screaming at the top of our lungs until someone fixes our problem that we made for ourselves because America. We’re used to frying butter and calling it a meal. Get used to it.

Fortunately, one company has taken our stupidity into their own hands. The Volkswagen group has recalled more than 250,000 late model diesel vehicles due to the fact that us Americans hate reading or knowing about anything that we own. Please note that these special idiot prevention devices are only for America and use that information as you please. As per our culture, we like appliances that take care of our problems for us. For perspective taken from my late night infomercial scientific research, Americans are so lazy that we have a demand for litter boxes that clean our cat’s shit for us.

Here’s a problem: you’ve decided that reading is a chore. I’m not talking Bukowski or War and Peace here. I’m talking fragments of sentences. Add to this problem: you’ve chosen to purchase a car that uses diesel fuel because “that damn President won’t fix these gas prices!” Issue: YOU ARE TOO LAZY, DUMB OR IGNORANT TO READ. You drive your sweet new ride down to the gas station, slap a plastic card in that pump that has a balance larger than your annual salary carried on it, and fill ‘er up with the good ol’ 87 octane because THIS IS AMERICA AND THIS KINDA GAS IS CHEAPER!

Fast forward two hours: you’re on the side of the road screaming at your car dealer that “THE THING JUST DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE AND I DON’T KNOW WHY AND THIS IS YOUR FAULT.”

Fast forward three days: you’re at home screaming at Volkswagen Customer Care to the effect of “YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS BECAUSE IT ISN’T MY FAULT THAT IT STOPPED WORKING.”

To summarize: you are why I hate you and most likely the rest of your family because they made you.


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